Perhaps most importantly, coaching has helped me practice self-development and given me the tools and time to understand how I can grow into the best version of myself. In our most recent session, Meredith stopped me mid-sentence.

“Do you realize how often you do that?” she asked me. “You always say, you should rather than you will or you are or you can.”

I stopped, confused. I had never considered the fact that I might be tough on myself or judge myself too harshly. I know when I work hard, I reward myself when I feel that I have earned it, and I try not to take myself too seriously. In signing up for coaching, despite all my interest in understanding my thought patterns in order to improve my professional abilities and relationships, it never occurred to me that my inner dialogues with myself may be the ones needing the most work. For the next twenty minutes, I found myself use the phrase “I should” twice more, while Meredith noted it another two.

“How long have you been using that phrase with yourself?” Meredith inquired.

I was unable to answer.

Why is it that I find myself so drawn to this verb rather than other, more action-oriented, options? Is it that I feel inadequate or incompetent, somehow? Is it that I fear I will lack the follow-through to complete said task – that should is somehow safer that will, less absolute? Is it that I feel I should do something in the same way that those around me are doing it? Is it that I feel I lack something (experience, expertise, quality, or trait) that my peers possess? I still do not have the answers to these questions. This is my journey of self-development – and it is my homework to find these answers.

In the interim since this last meeting, I have caught myself thinking about what I should do many times. Each time, I try to shift my thinking, replace verbs and alter my thoughts to reflect what I, in reality, will do and noting the difference. For every instance I note, however, I am sure there are many I do not. It is sometimes exhausting and always effortful. I know that this shift in mindset, in thought patterns, in internal dialogue will take time. That is both daunting and wonderful.

As a budding professional in a career that encourages, if not requires, lifelong learning, it is my hope that as I progress in my career I acquire more knowledge about not only medicine and my patients, but also myself. Navigating the rocky path of medical training, faced with the possibility of misstep at every turn, it is easy to become distracted by the overwhelming opportunities, the daunting requirements, and the remarkable resumes of our peers. I feel that coaching will endow me with the tools to become the most authentic doctor, professional, and self that I can be.