The Non-Narcissist

I would suggest that there are several ways one can end up in this third category. One way is by being remarkably mature. There is no need for outside confirmation. Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman write about this perspective near the end of their book. They use the analogy of the “treasure,” noting that we can view ourselves as having unique talents that may or may not be recognized or acknowledged by other people. With a high level of self esteem, we can appreciate our own “treasures” without these gifts necessarily being identified or even valued by other people.

I propose that there is a second route to non-narcissism. People can have such a low level of self-esteem that they don’t believe they deserve any attention from other people. In the musical, “Chicago,” the husband of the major protagonist sings about being “Mr. Cellophane.” Other people look right through him. They don’t even realize that he is in the room—and he certainly can’t call attention to himself, given that he isn’t worth much. This second route is sadly traveled by many people—who don’t even think they “deserve” to be treated by a psychotherapist. Do these people deserve to be attended to in a book about low self-esteem and invisibility? I would suggest that they do and that this non-narcissism may relate (painfully) to the story of Echo (a story which is often poignantly forgotten alongside the story of Narcissus).

Characteristics of the Narcissistic System

Given this brief description of narcissistic personalities, let’s turn to the narcissistic family that is the focus of Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman’s attention. I will offer a cursory examination of several major points being made by these two therapists and then turn to the use of their insightful analyses in examining the narcissistic organization.

Skewed Responsibility

The most important point being made by Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman concerns the assignment of responsibilities in the narcissistic family. Rather than the parents being primarily responsible for the happiness (even welfare) of their children, the children are responsible for the parents’ happiness and welfare. In this family system, the children are there for the parents’ sake rather than the other way around. While the family system was originally created (supposedly) for protection of the children (since like few other animals the human child is born virtually helpless), the tables are turned in the narcissistic family. Parents are expecting (even demanding) that their children protect them—protecting the parents’ self-esteem, credibility, authority, and so forth. This skewed responsibility opens the door for many other dynamics in Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman’s narcissistic family.